Relationships

Coping When Neither The Candlesticks Nor The Happy Couple Dance With Joy At Your Being Their Guest

by

I posted recently about my hero, Lumiere the candlestick from ‘Beauty and the Beast’, who choreographs elaborate musical numbers to honor his guests. My point was that at its core, the point of party you’re throwing is celebrating with guests, if they are unhappy, something has gone wrong.

Alas, not all couples have gotten the memo.  Amy Dickinson, brilliant syndicated advice columnist and another (non-animated) hero of mine, addressed the issue of dealing with the fallout in her column today.  I repost her wise response to this worried MOB from the Toronto Sun.

Groomzilla plans wedding no one can attend

Amy Dickinson, Advice Guru My Little Flower Shop
Amy Dickinson, Advice Guru and a personal hero

 

   By ,QMI Agency

First posted: | Updated:

DEAR AMY: How can our family move forward from the mess of an overplanned, underattended wedding in Europe? The groom (in his mid-30s) has planned everything and excluded me, mother of the bride, from any of the plans. The bride’s siblings can’t afford (or can’t get vacation days from work) to attend.

Tuxedo Shirt 6-10-08 -- IMG_0638
Involved grooms are a good thing – don’t overgeneralize!
Yesterday, the groom called our son and offered to fly him to Europe for the wedding but made no such offer for the bride’s sisters. Of 200 invited guests, only 40 are expected to attend — no aunts, uncles or cousins. As the bride’s parents, we gave a fixed sum of money for the wedding but now, due to the small gathering expected, the couple will be making money on the deal.

Yesterday, the groom announced that the one family friend who can attend is not invited to the rehearsal dinner, after traveling 6,000 miles. A destination wedding sounds, at first, like a good idea, but when the day nears, it feels exclusionary, hollow and pretentious. As the mother of the bride, I am filled with sadness.

The couple has been engaged for two years, and we feel so burdened by the build-up, the bad decisions, the exclusions, waste and self-centredness of this event. How do families recover from this? I can’t see these relationships ever going back to normal.

I love my daughter very much, but I believe the consequences of this wedding will be the unravelling of our family. Is there any hope? — Heartbroken

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: You aptly describe the challenges when couples pour all of their attention into trying to create a fantasy day while causing real-world problems. Often these couples return home after their fantasy weddings seriously let down by the reality of marriage and family.

You and your husband should meet with the couple. Do not pile on and accuse them of creating a hollow and pretentious event, but do ask that they commit some of the money you contributed to helping family members attend the wedding.

Otherwise you should accept that this is not what you would have planned and not what you want (and perhaps not what the couple wants at this point, either). If your daughter is completely dominated by a “groomzilla” who is demanding and disrespectful, she is going to need your support moving forward. You may also have to accept that you and she have very different values.

Though this event might rend the fabric of your family, don’t make the mistake of assuming it will unravel.

Fairy Tale Wedding Hero: Beauty And The Beast’s Lumiere

by

Lumiere is my hero.  Yep- the singing candlestick. Lumiere’s big number is “Be Our Guest,” an ode to making guests comfortable.

English: Belle, Cogsworth, Chip, and Lumiere
English: Belle, Cogsworth, Chip, and Lumiere (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A wedding is, at heart, for the guests– a fact lost on some brides who want to fulfill their own desires, and assume everyone will go with the flow. The truth is, if the only two people having fun are the bride and groom, that’s a sad state of affairs. You want people to be happy for you, and have a great time! Step number one is keeping them happy, so keep your guests in mind when you are planning. Two easy things to consider:

Where

The number one way to irritate your wedding guests is by getting married at an inconvenient location. Now, a destination wedding is one thing. But if you’re staying local, and asking 250 people to join you at the Chapel of Saint Wilhemina of Small Parking Lots  in the Middle of Nowhere National Park, you’re going to have a few cranky customers. A good litmus test: if it’s going to take most guests longer to drive to your ceremony site than to experience the ceremony itself, you might want to look for a different location.

When

Of course your wedding date has to work for you and your family.  But perhaps your Maid of Honor is Jewish – if the date you’re considering falls on Passover, you may want to call and check if that’s a problem.  Also look out for other big family events – if your Aunt and Uncle’s 50th Wedding Anniversary falls close to your date, it’s polite to check if they have something planned.  Last, look out for other weddings, friends or family.  There are enough dates to go around, no need to step on cousin MacKenzie’s special day.

If you consider these things at the outset, you’ll have a happier crowd in the end.  That Lumiere, he really sheds light on how to treat guests! If your tea-pot starts talking, listen up.

Be well, and love well.

Dinah

What Martha Stewart Doesn’t Want You To Know: Wedding Advice Books Exposed

by

I brought two wedding books to the store yesterday to add to our growing library. (Yes, My Little Flower Shop, top Palm Springs florist, is building a wedding book library)! Looking at books with our brides gives us a chance to prepare them for the inevitable moment of panic in the ‘Weddings” section at Barnes and Noble.

At any bookstore in America you’ll find glassy-eyed people in the wedding section, not knowing which way to turn. Seriously, it’s worse than the paper towel aisle at the grocery store. (What’s on sale? Is that the cheapo brand?  How may rolls in the pack? Are they Mega-Rolls?)

If you know what to expect, you won’t be discouraged by these experiences of book-overload.   So, knowing that the mountain of information you’ll face,  keep these tips in mind.

  • Wedding planning books are not required reading, and 99.9% of what’s in them probably doesn’t apply to you. (Are you inviting Norwegian royalty to your wedding? Didn’t think so).

    Reading Offbeat Bride
    Reading Offbeat Bride (Photo credit: Aron Meudt)
  •  Once you’ve got the books, (and this is the important part,) they do not need to be  followed obsessively to the letter. They are not written in stone. They were not given to us at Mount Sinai.
  • Books should be considered guidance, opinion and advice. From someone who doesn’t care if you ignore them.
  • How about looking in the library? If you find one you love, buy it. If not you’re not out $35.00 for a book you don’t need.

Bottom line? Talk to the vendors you’re working with! Their advice is the most valuable of all.  In terms of how they do weddings, and work with their clients, well, they wrote the book.

Be well, and love well.

-Dinah

Related articles
Enhanced by Zemanta