So you spent the weekend running around from wedding vendor to wedding vendor (perhaps you even worked in a visit to a certain Palm Springs florist?)
You got sooooo much done, you deserve a break, right? Well, you could but you’d lose a valuable commodity: your weekend momentum. You’re full of information! You know who to call next! Don’t take a nap and lose your place in the exciting story that is your big day. Just a quick tip.
Be well and love well
-Dinah
I posted recently about my hero, Lumiere the candlestick from ‘Beauty and the Beast’, who choreographs elaborate musical numbers to honor his guests. My point was that at its core, the point of party you’re throwing is celebrating with guests, if they are unhappy, something has gone wrong.
Alas, not all couples have gotten the memo. Amy Dickinson, brilliant syndicated advice columnist and another (non-animated) hero of mine, addressed the issue of dealing with the fallout in her column today. I repost her wise response to this worried MOB from the Toronto Sun.
First posted: | Updated:
DEAR AMY: How can our family move forward from the mess of an overplanned, underattended wedding in Europe? The groom (in his mid-30s) has planned everything and excluded me, mother of the bride, from any of the plans. The bride’s siblings can’t afford (or can’t get vacation days from work) to attend.
Yesterday, the groom announced that the one family friend who can attend is not invited to the rehearsal dinner, after traveling 6,000 miles. A destination wedding sounds, at first, like a good idea, but when the day nears, it feels exclusionary, hollow and pretentious. As the mother of the bride, I am filled with sadness.
The couple has been engaged for two years, and we feel so burdened by the build-up, the bad decisions, the exclusions, waste and self-centredness of this event. How do families recover from this? I can’t see these relationships ever going back to normal.
I love my daughter very much, but I believe the consequences of this wedding will be the unravelling of our family. Is there any hope? — Heartbroken
DEAR HEARTBROKEN: You aptly describe the challenges when couples pour all of their attention into trying to create a fantasy day while causing real-world problems. Often these couples return home after their fantasy weddings seriously let down by the reality of marriage and family.
You and your husband should meet with the couple. Do not pile on and accuse them of creating a hollow and pretentious event, but do ask that they commit some of the money you contributed to helping family members attend the wedding.
Otherwise you should accept that this is not what you would have planned and not what you want (and perhaps not what the couple wants at this point, either). If your daughter is completely dominated by a “groomzilla” who is demanding and disrespectful, she is going to need your support moving forward. You may also have to accept that you and she have very different values.
Though this event might rend the fabric of your family, don’t make the mistake of assuming it will unravel.
Lumiere is my hero. Yep- the singing candlestick. Lumiere’s big number is “Be Our Guest,” an ode to making guests comfortable.
A wedding is, at heart, for the guests– a fact lost on some brides who want to fulfill their own desires, and assume everyone will go with the flow. The truth is, if the only two people having fun are the bride and groom, that’s a sad state of affairs. You want people to be happy for you, and have a great time! Step number one is keeping them happy, so keep your guests in mind when you are planning. Two easy things to consider:
Where
The number one way to irritate your wedding guests is by getting married at an inconvenient location. Now, a destination wedding is one thing. But if you’re staying local, and asking 250 people to join you at the Chapel of Saint Wilhemina of Small Parking Lots in the Middle of Nowhere National Park, you’re going to have a few cranky customers. A good litmus test: if it’s going to take most guests longer to drive to your ceremony site than to experience the ceremony itself, you might want to look for a different location.
When
Of course your wedding date has to work for you and your family. But perhaps your Maid of Honor is Jewish – if the date you’re considering falls on Passover, you may want to call and check if that’s a problem. Also look out for other big family events – if your Aunt and Uncle’s 50th Wedding Anniversary falls close to your date, it’s polite to check if they have something planned. Last, look out for other weddings, friends or family. There are enough dates to go around, no need to step on cousin MacKenzie’s special day.
If you consider these things at the outset, you’ll have a happier crowd in the end. That Lumiere, he really sheds light on how to treat guests! If your tea-pot starts talking, listen up.
Be well, and love well.
Dinah