The popularity of viral videos of proposals, weddings and first dances can worry 95% of men trying to make a romantic gesture. How are you supposed to ‘top’ flash mob proposals or elaborate anniversary messages timed to music? Guess what? Real life romance is what women want.
So go forth! Bring romance into the everyday!
Be well, and love well.
-Dinah
I posted recently about my hero, Lumiere the candlestick from ‘Beauty and the Beast’, who choreographs elaborate musical numbers to honor his guests. My point was that at its core, the point of party you’re throwing is celebrating with guests, if they are unhappy, something has gone wrong.
Alas, not all couples have gotten the memo. Amy Dickinson, brilliant syndicated advice columnist and another (non-animated) hero of mine, addressed the issue of dealing with the fallout in her column today. I repost her wise response to this worried MOB from the Toronto Sun.
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DEAR AMY: How can our family move forward from the mess of an overplanned, underattended wedding in Europe? The groom (in his mid-30s) has planned everything and excluded me, mother of the bride, from any of the plans. The bride’s siblings can’t afford (or can’t get vacation days from work) to attend.
Yesterday, the groom announced that the one family friend who can attend is not invited to the rehearsal dinner, after traveling 6,000 miles. A destination wedding sounds, at first, like a good idea, but when the day nears, it feels exclusionary, hollow and pretentious. As the mother of the bride, I am filled with sadness.
The couple has been engaged for two years, and we feel so burdened by the build-up, the bad decisions, the exclusions, waste and self-centredness of this event. How do families recover from this? I can’t see these relationships ever going back to normal.
I love my daughter very much, but I believe the consequences of this wedding will be the unravelling of our family. Is there any hope? — Heartbroken
DEAR HEARTBROKEN: You aptly describe the challenges when couples pour all of their attention into trying to create a fantasy day while causing real-world problems. Often these couples return home after their fantasy weddings seriously let down by the reality of marriage and family.
You and your husband should meet with the couple. Do not pile on and accuse them of creating a hollow and pretentious event, but do ask that they commit some of the money you contributed to helping family members attend the wedding.
Otherwise you should accept that this is not what you would have planned and not what you want (and perhaps not what the couple wants at this point, either). If your daughter is completely dominated by a “groomzilla” who is demanding and disrespectful, she is going to need your support moving forward. You may also have to accept that you and she have very different values.
Though this event might rend the fabric of your family, don’t make the mistake of assuming it will unravel.
You know those movies about wacky families that really love reach other under all the craziness? Well, Julia Louis Dreyfuss may not be cooking your High Holiday brisket, and Jane Lynch may not be sorting the sweet potato casserole recipes that will end up on your Thanksgiving table, but the sweet families on the silver screen aren’t that different from yours.
Here’s how I know. One of the men who invented the entertainment industry as we know it, Louis B. Mayer, was the son of a scrap metal dealer who became the most powerful man in Hollywood. Mayer would tell people his birthday was the Fourth of July because he was fiercely patriotic. He wanted America to be all marching bands, fireworks and apple pie. So that’s what he put in the movies. He created the images we all associate with our culture and our country.
These days, filmmakers continue to put their dreams and ideals on screen, but in a more modern way. We see their crazy families, but with softer edges, a lot of humor and a sympathetic eye. And there’s frequently a happy ending. With some good dialogue, could that be your Aunt Phyllis instead of Shirley MacLaine? Can you soften the lens this holiday season to see your family more as human beings who love you and less like a clown car full of confused commuters? I bet you can. Remember, Louis B. Mayer created his own reality. Think more apple pie, less fireworks.