Did you hear about the bride whose dress was burned in a fire the night before her wedding? Did you hear about the groom who locked himself in the hotel bathroom and missed the whole reception? As a florist in an ideal destination wedding location like Palm Springs, I understand why people are compelled to share bridal nightmare tales with wedding vendors. They know we’ve dealt with our fair share, and in their own way, they are showing respect for the sometimes challenging, but always rewarding, work that we do. But for goodness sake people, please stop scaring the brides! Lord knows they’re a skittish bunch, so don’t follow up “Congratulations on your engagement!” with some tale of a wedding gone horribly wrong. It may be funny to you, but to this person diving into the difficult planning process, it’s no laughing matter. So have a little heart. Save the bridal calamity tales for the bridesmaids. Now THAT’s your demographic!
Don’t freak out the bride, please. (Photo credit: Vineet Radhakrishnan)
The popularity of viral videos of proposals, weddings and first dances can worry 95% of men trying to make a romantic gesture. How are you supposed to ‘top’ flash mob proposals or elaborate anniversary messages timed to music? Guess what? Real life romance is what women want.
Barack Obama: “… “it’s [the] tension between familiarity and mystery that makes for something strong, because, even as you build a life of … mutual support, you retain some sense of surprise or wonder about the other person.” Sure, theatrical type stuff is charming. But even better is the kind of experience that isn’t completely removed from normal life. Because something more down to earth is something that’s more likely to happen between special occasions, and romance woven into the every day existence of a relationship is the most meaningful of all. So whether it’s a homemade anniversary dinner, or a proposal (with no audience) at a location that’s special to you, if the romance is of a less showy variety, we’re still going to be happy. And when you throw in an unplanned detour to that spot, or whip up a weeknight meal, we’re going to be even happier. What’s better than a guy creating a special romantic night? Knowing that our love created a special romantic guy.
I posted recently about my hero, Lumiere the candlestick from ‘Beauty and the Beast’, who choreographs elaborate musical numbers to honor his guests. My point was that at its core, the point of party you’re throwing is celebrating with guests, if they are unhappy, something has gone wrong.
Alas, not all couples have gotten the memo. Amy Dickinson, brilliant syndicated advice columnist and another (non-animated) hero of mine, addressed the issue of dealing with the fallout in her column today. I repost her wise response to this worried MOB from the Toronto Sun.
DEAR AMY: How can our family move forward from the mess of an overplanned, underattended wedding in Europe? The groom (in his mid-30s) has planned everything and excluded me, mother of the bride, from any of the plans. The bride’s siblings can’t afford (or can’t get vacation days from work) to attend.
Involved grooms are a good thing – don’t overgeneralize!Yesterday, the groom called our son and offered to fly him to Europe for the wedding but made no such offer for the bride’s sisters. Of 200 invited guests, only 40 are expected to attend — no aunts, uncles or cousins. As the bride’s parents, we gave a fixed sum of money for the wedding but now, due to the small gathering expected, the couple will be making money on the deal.
Yesterday, the groom announced that the one family friend who can attend is not invited to the rehearsal dinner, after traveling 6,000 miles. A destination wedding sounds, at first, like a good idea, but when the day nears, it feels exclusionary, hollow and pretentious. As the mother of the bride, I am filled with sadness.
The couple has been engaged for two years, and we feel so burdened by the build-up, the bad decisions, the exclusions, waste and self-centredness of this event. How do families recover from this? I can’t see these relationships ever going back to normal.
I love my daughter very much, but I believe the consequences of this wedding will be the unravelling of our family. Is there any hope? — Heartbroken
DEAR HEARTBROKEN: You aptly describe the challenges when couples pour all of their attention into trying to create a fantasy day while causing real-world problems. Often these couples return home after their fantasy weddings seriously let down by the reality of marriage and family.
You and your husband should meet with the couple. Do not pile on and accuse them of creating a hollow and pretentious event, but do ask that they commit some of the money you contributed to helping family members attend the wedding.
Otherwise you should accept that this is not what you would have planned and not what you want (and perhaps not what the couple wants at this point, either). If your daughter is completely dominated by a “groomzilla” who is demanding and disrespectful, she is going to need your support moving forward. You may also have to accept that you and she have very different values.
Though this event might rend the fabric of your family, don’t make the mistake of assuming it will unravel.
