Advice

Coping When Neither The Candlesticks Nor The Happy Couple Dance With Joy At Your Being Their Guest

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I posted recently about my hero, Lumiere the candlestick from ‘Beauty and the Beast’, who choreographs elaborate musical numbers to honor his guests. My point was that at its core, the point of party you’re throwing is celebrating with guests, if they are unhappy, something has gone wrong.

Alas, not all couples have gotten the memo.  Amy Dickinson, brilliant syndicated advice columnist and another (non-animated) hero of mine, addressed the issue of dealing with the fallout in her column today.  I repost her wise response to this worried MOB from the Toronto Sun.

Groomzilla plans wedding no one can attend

Amy Dickinson, Advice Guru My Little Flower Shop
Amy Dickinson, Advice Guru and a personal hero

 

   By ,QMI Agency

First posted: | Updated:

DEAR AMY: How can our family move forward from the mess of an overplanned, underattended wedding in Europe? The groom (in his mid-30s) has planned everything and excluded me, mother of the bride, from any of the plans. The bride’s siblings can’t afford (or can’t get vacation days from work) to attend.

Tuxedo Shirt 6-10-08 -- IMG_0638
Involved grooms are a good thing – don’t overgeneralize!
Yesterday, the groom called our son and offered to fly him to Europe for the wedding but made no such offer for the bride’s sisters. Of 200 invited guests, only 40 are expected to attend — no aunts, uncles or cousins. As the bride’s parents, we gave a fixed sum of money for the wedding but now, due to the small gathering expected, the couple will be making money on the deal.

Yesterday, the groom announced that the one family friend who can attend is not invited to the rehearsal dinner, after traveling 6,000 miles. A destination wedding sounds, at first, like a good idea, but when the day nears, it feels exclusionary, hollow and pretentious. As the mother of the bride, I am filled with sadness.

The couple has been engaged for two years, and we feel so burdened by the build-up, the bad decisions, the exclusions, waste and self-centredness of this event. How do families recover from this? I can’t see these relationships ever going back to normal.

I love my daughter very much, but I believe the consequences of this wedding will be the unravelling of our family. Is there any hope? — Heartbroken

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: You aptly describe the challenges when couples pour all of their attention into trying to create a fantasy day while causing real-world problems. Often these couples return home after their fantasy weddings seriously let down by the reality of marriage and family.

You and your husband should meet with the couple. Do not pile on and accuse them of creating a hollow and pretentious event, but do ask that they commit some of the money you contributed to helping family members attend the wedding.

Otherwise you should accept that this is not what you would have planned and not what you want (and perhaps not what the couple wants at this point, either). If your daughter is completely dominated by a “groomzilla” who is demanding and disrespectful, she is going to need your support moving forward. You may also have to accept that you and she have very different values.

Though this event might rend the fabric of your family, don’t make the mistake of assuming it will unravel.

Family Holiday Advice from My Little Flower Shop, Palm Springs florist

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You know those movies about wacky families that really love reach other under all the craziness? Well, Julia Louis Dreyfuss may not be cooking your High Holiday brisket, and Jane Lynch may not be sorting the sweet potato casserole recipes that will end up on your Thanksgiving table, but the sweet families on the silver screen aren’t that different from yours.

Here’s how I know.  One of the men who invented the entertainment industry as we know it, Louis B. Mayer, was the son of a scrap metal dealer who became the most powerful man in Hollywood. Mayer would tell people his birthday was the Fourth of July because he was fiercely patriotic. He wanted America to be all marching bands, fireworks and apple pie. So that’s what he put in the movies. He created the images we all associate with our culture and our country.

English: Apple pie.
English: Apple pie. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

These days, filmmakers continue to put their dreams and ideals on screen, but in a more modern way.  We see their crazy families, but with softer edges, a lot of humor and a sympathetic eye. And there’s frequently a happy ending.  With some good dialogue, could that be your Aunt Phyllis instead of Shirley MacLaine? Can you soften the lens this holiday season to see your family more as human beings who love you and less like a clown car full of confused commuters? I bet you can. Remember, Louis B. Mayer created his own reality. Think more apple pie, less fireworks.

Fairy Tale Wedding Hero: Beauty And The Beast’s Lumiere

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Lumiere is my hero.  Yep- the singing candlestick. Lumiere’s big number is “Be Our Guest,” an ode to making guests comfortable.

English: Belle, Cogsworth, Chip, and Lumiere
English: Belle, Cogsworth, Chip, and Lumiere (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A wedding is, at heart, for the guests– a fact lost on some brides who want to fulfill their own desires, and assume everyone will go with the flow. The truth is, if the only two people having fun are the bride and groom, that’s a sad state of affairs. You want people to be happy for you, and have a great time! Step number one is keeping them happy, so keep your guests in mind when you are planning. Two easy things to consider:

Where

The number one way to irritate your wedding guests is by getting married at an inconvenient location. Now, a destination wedding is one thing. But if you’re staying local, and asking 250 people to join you at the Chapel of Saint Wilhemina of Small Parking Lots  in the Middle of Nowhere National Park, you’re going to have a few cranky customers. A good litmus test: if it’s going to take most guests longer to drive to your ceremony site than to experience the ceremony itself, you might want to look for a different location.

When

Of course your wedding date has to work for you and your family.  But perhaps your Maid of Honor is Jewish – if the date you’re considering falls on Passover, you may want to call and check if that’s a problem.  Also look out for other big family events – if your Aunt and Uncle’s 50th Wedding Anniversary falls close to your date, it’s polite to check if they have something planned.  Last, look out for other weddings, friends or family.  There are enough dates to go around, no need to step on cousin MacKenzie’s special day.

If you consider these things at the outset, you’ll have a happier crowd in the end.  That Lumiere, he really sheds light on how to treat guests! If your tea-pot starts talking, listen up.

Be well, and love well.

Dinah